i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
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Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!