HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
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In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it