*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
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My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off