FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
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I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.