Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
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Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
🤣🤣
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.