A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
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approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.