growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
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Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook