I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
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let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.