Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
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There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle