cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
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[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
I just tested negative for patience.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.