“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
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Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
The Struggle
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
lmfao come on
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet