Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
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Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
In case you needed to hear it:
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Interior design 👌
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.