My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
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the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.