Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
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Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30: