Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
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The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Has there ever been a more American story?
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.