[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
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Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.