Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
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If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
my mind
You just read my mind
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.