You Might Also Like
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.