waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
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Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Dyslexics are teople poo!
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked