[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
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Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.