I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
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My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.