*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
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Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
what is cheese if not milk persevering
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.