Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
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SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea