Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
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Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????