My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
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My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!