At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
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Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
sistine chapel
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed