fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
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Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine