My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
You Might Also Like
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?