WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
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what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.