My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
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gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
you have three unread messages
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards