Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
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Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak