My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
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#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.