Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
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I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Worst perfume name ever.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.