Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
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This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”