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[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Yeah. This was me today.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.