I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
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WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
These are too funny not to post 😂
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
I need this for my side hustle.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.