Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
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Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok