there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
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I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.