judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
You Might Also Like
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.