This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
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Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank