“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
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The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Breakfast for Stoners:
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.