If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
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“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.