As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
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Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
I finally found a reason to live again.