The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
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medusa but her hair is an anaconda
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
This kid will have a bright future.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.