[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
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I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah