*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
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I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Perfect
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…