Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
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This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.