Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
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Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
I know karate and tons of other words.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
That stupid look on my face, is my face
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone