The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
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For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Why would I want to fund a crowd?