Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
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[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
12653.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*